Journals5
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laaaammeee
2 min read
so math today was... 'amazingly' succeeded in making me suffered a small headache, during the ancillary class. there are those freakin variables which had to be simplified and multiplied and divided... oh gosh, it's really tiring. ninth grade really is exhausting and brain racking. however, i'm happy to see my agenda fully written by tasks and activities. like i'm a busy person 
anyway, i'm so sorry for not submitting any artworks lately. i'm just currently unispired by my surroundings, and am focusing on my school more than ever. also, i'm not exactly in the mood for editing any photos, cause my 'art side' for photoshop-ing is currently in faint and low-batteried.
inspiration, i can look for it anywhere, especially on the internet which provides endless virtual inspirations. i'm working on/writing some short stories, which were buzzing in my head lately like a lost lust. so did my artsy desire. i wanted to draw and continue my writings (i never finished any of my stories, except that it was a school assignment) but when i saw the broad white empty space in front of me, i just don't know what to... or how to... fill it. my mind just went COMPLETELY blank, like all the ideas that were buzzing and pictured vaguely in my head went straightly into BLANK-MODE. and they never come back. they just lost; like an unsaved file on a sudden computer shut down.
anyway, i'm so sorry for not submitting any artworks lately. i'm just currently unispired by my surroundings, and am focusing on my school more than ever. also, i'm not exactly in the mood for editing any photos, cause my 'art side' for photoshop-ing is currently in faint and low-batteried.
inspiration, i can look for it anywhere, especially on the internet which provides endless virtual inspirations. i'm working on/writing some short stories, which were buzzing in my head lately like a lost lust. so did my artsy desire. i wanted to draw and continue my writings (i never finished any of my stories, except that it was a school assignment) but when i saw the broad white empty space in front of me, i just don't know what to... or how to... fill it. my mind just went COMPLETELY blank, like all the ideas that were buzzing and pictured vaguely in my head went straightly into BLANK-MODE. and they never come back. they just lost; like an unsaved file on a sudden computer shut down.
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the FAT theory
3 min read
no matter how many weight i had lost
no matter how much difference that it has, comparing me now and then
i will always be 'thinner', not 'thin'.
today i do realize, that these new people that never met me when i was fat, of course notice that "nadine is fat". fat, fat, fat. that's what i call for myself when i'm depressed. such as... now?
don't worry, i won't be bulimic or infected anorexia. actually, to be 'real' honest, i insult myself for not being able to be one of those 'super-thins' or 'extremely thins'. i can't help it to eat, when i feel exhausted and it 'looks' like i've been doing lots of things that make me wring my brain or excrete the sweat out of my pores. i can eat a plate full of rice and the side dishes, with a construction laborer's portion of a meal. and after that, i'll regret it (sometimes) and blame myself if i gain a weight, when i looked at the scale on the next morning.
ah, this is all bullshits. all i think about is my physical appearance. surely, there are still plenty of things for me to think about. but, instead, i only think of THIS. yeah, i have turned almost far to the wrong way of human considerations. those things which i should be considering more about, include: which high school i want to attend, how to divide my limited time (considering that i'm now a ninth grader, so i have compulsive ancillary lessons every after school, mon-fri. and that really sucked my time, a lot.), or how to work harder to reach my grades' targets and mostly, to graduate with pride.
school has to be/is rated serious for me this year. i'm no longer be able to play and mess around with my grades. especially, now that the graduation requirements includes the first to fifth semester report cards. oh, dear. my teachers said, there's nothing we can do wit the first to fourth semester report cards, all we can do now is to work hard on our fifth's. this is hard.
p.s: writing the end of this journal has pretty much helped me getting out of the hole of self-indignity and crankiness
that i've been through for the last two days. haaaaah... just wanna lay back in my bed with a mountain of pillows, because my back is hurt, especially my neck. errrghh... i hate messenger bag.
no matter how much difference that it has, comparing me now and then
i will always be 'thinner', not 'thin'.
today i do realize, that these new people that never met me when i was fat, of course notice that "nadine is fat". fat, fat, fat. that's what i call for myself when i'm depressed. such as... now?
don't worry, i won't be bulimic or infected anorexia. actually, to be 'real' honest, i insult myself for not being able to be one of those 'super-thins' or 'extremely thins'. i can't help it to eat, when i feel exhausted and it 'looks' like i've been doing lots of things that make me wring my brain or excrete the sweat out of my pores. i can eat a plate full of rice and the side dishes, with a construction laborer's portion of a meal. and after that, i'll regret it (sometimes) and blame myself if i gain a weight, when i looked at the scale on the next morning.
ah, this is all bullshits. all i think about is my physical appearance. surely, there are still plenty of things for me to think about. but, instead, i only think of THIS. yeah, i have turned almost far to the wrong way of human considerations. those things which i should be considering more about, include: which high school i want to attend, how to divide my limited time (considering that i'm now a ninth grader, so i have compulsive ancillary lessons every after school, mon-fri. and that really sucked my time, a lot.), or how to work harder to reach my grades' targets and mostly, to graduate with pride.
school has to be/is rated serious for me this year. i'm no longer be able to play and mess around with my grades. especially, now that the graduation requirements includes the first to fifth semester report cards. oh, dear. my teachers said, there's nothing we can do wit the first to fourth semester report cards, all we can do now is to work hard on our fifth's. this is hard.
p.s: writing the end of this journal has pretty much helped me getting out of the hole of self-indignity and crankiness
that i've been through for the last two days. haaaaah... just wanna lay back in my bed with a mountain of pillows, because my back is hurt, especially my neck. errrghh... i hate messenger bag.
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Thinner not thin
2 min read
I cannot run from the fact that I was waaaaayyyy chubbier then, especially in 2007-2010. I thought the difference wasn't so far, but it actually was. Some of my bonestructures were more emerging than yesterday, and my face is longer. Despite the fact that I'm still about 15kg away from my goal weight (and 15 kg lighter than 7 grade) and sometimes feeling fat (okay, that's true, I am still fat) and pinching myself,...
I do enjoy these compliments from people telling me that I'm thinner
7 grade: a chubby junior, enjoying my class (7.2: best class ever! -nevermind this one's personal spirit)
8 grade: tears and anger on first semester (I was still adjusting myself to people/friends that were not in the same class with me as 7th grade, so I wasn't getting used to their 'sarcastic jokes'); laugh, joy, and friendship on second semester; thoughtful and distress caused by my consciousness about how boring and 'in verge' I was; people starts to notice my weight loss!
9 grade: being away from usual friends, a good relation among us still, just not as close as yesterday. Some still tied strong bonds with me, some leave it untied. I'm letting them go, and try not to be mind about it, and juusssssst enjoy my last/senior year (as junior high of course
.) Oh yes, and I began to see the real me.
I do enjoy these compliments from people telling me that I'm thinner
7 grade: a chubby junior, enjoying my class (7.2: best class ever! -nevermind this one's personal spirit)
8 grade: tears and anger on first semester (I was still adjusting myself to people/friends that were not in the same class with me as 7th grade, so I wasn't getting used to their 'sarcastic jokes'); laugh, joy, and friendship on second semester; thoughtful and distress caused by my consciousness about how boring and 'in verge' I was; people starts to notice my weight loss!
9 grade: being away from usual friends, a good relation among us still, just not as close as yesterday. Some still tied strong bonds with me, some leave it untied. I'm letting them go, and try not to be mind about it, and juusssssst enjoy my last/senior year (as junior high of course
.) Oh yes, and I began to see the real me.
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prolog
3 min read
i just can't have a suave/friendly and universal start, can i?
so, on my first journal i wrote about me forsaking my blog temporarily. well, sorry for not-so-understandable-introduction. let's call it as... one of the reasons i write this journals. "a blog" as i observed, had been an onus // "thoughtful burden" if you grasp what that means
// for me, because, i realized, i barely had a life with "it". a blog, sort of, kept bothering me to observe things and be thoughtful about it (damn, i'm a teenager! i can't be "that thoughtful" and wrote poetic things and be a loner. it already destined that teens are supposed to be having fun)
"to write a good story, a good article of thoughts, to post on my blog" ...................................
there was a long journey, a battle, inside of me that no one but God can understood. but it's over. i hope it is.
okay, ENOUGH WITH THE ABSTRUSE WRITING. now here's the real prolog:
i am 'currently' aged 14, living in jakarta, respect and appreciate privacy, and am trying to have fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnn as long as possible in my 'once in a lifetime' young age (and hope the blast will last forever). for me, there's nothing precious than time and moments. even memories are not precious enough, compared with present, because they can only be 'recalled' not to be lived once more, and somehow/sometime they will fade away.
i am not allowed to ride a motorbike, because my mom regret what she did in the past, referring to motorbike, she was a life-careless motor rider. her speed was madly preposterous and she rides wildly. she said that human on motorbike always have that foolish guts to take risks in which threatening their lives, just to push the speed up, overtake and be the one ahead the others.
she was lucky to still living, "but we can't ever count on luck". she doesn't want the fact that what she did on the past, repeated by me. especially, after a ride with my friend that rides really slow, and the fact that inside i was clearly thinking "oh come on, there's a gap aside the car, just take that gap and move faster!" or "can't we just speed thing up a bit?" OR "just ride ahead the car, please! i'm so impatient with this!?"
i think i could not tolerant slowness?
so, on my first journal i wrote about me forsaking my blog temporarily. well, sorry for not-so-understandable-introduction. let's call it as... one of the reasons i write this journals. "a blog" as i observed, had been an onus // "thoughtful burden" if you grasp what that means
// for me, because, i realized, i barely had a life with "it". a blog, sort of, kept bothering me to observe things and be thoughtful about it (damn, i'm a teenager! i can't be "that thoughtful" and wrote poetic things and be a loner. it already destined that teens are supposed to be having fun)"to write a good story, a good article of thoughts, to post on my blog" ...................................
there was a long journey, a battle, inside of me that no one but God can understood. but it's over. i hope it is.
okay, ENOUGH WITH THE ABSTRUSE WRITING. now here's the real prolog:
i am 'currently' aged 14, living in jakarta, respect and appreciate privacy, and am trying to have fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnn as long as possible in my 'once in a lifetime' young age (and hope the blast will last forever). for me, there's nothing precious than time and moments. even memories are not precious enough, compared with present, because they can only be 'recalled' not to be lived once more, and somehow/sometime they will fade away.
i am not allowed to ride a motorbike, because my mom regret what she did in the past, referring to motorbike, she was a life-careless motor rider. her speed was madly preposterous and she rides wildly. she said that human on motorbike always have that foolish guts to take risks in which threatening their lives, just to push the speed up, overtake and be the one ahead the others.
she was lucky to still living, "but we can't ever count on luck". she doesn't want the fact that what she did on the past, repeated by me. especially, after a ride with my friend that rides really slow, and the fact that inside i was clearly thinking "oh come on, there's a gap aside the car, just take that gap and move faster!" or "can't we just speed thing up a bit?" OR "just ride ahead the car, please! i'm so impatient with this!?"
i think i could not tolerant slowness?
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i am leaving my blog, which i used to be super-passionate about, because somehow it drives my brain and heart crazy. i realized i have 'sort of' devoted my life&experiences for it. for something that is 'definitely' is not mortal. truly virtual, made out of wireless connection and pixels.
i did not delete it, because i am planning to come back, as soon as i got new interesting stories to tell; and of course, a good/advanced english and new vocabularies.
i am in my last year of junior high and can be called "the senior of junior". me and my friends were burdened/haunted by the upcoming national exam, as always as the senior of a ladder. i am desperately looking for a good high school near my district, but it was 'just hard' for no reason. my friends were mostly live in the suburbs, do they have more options than i do. my house was... not exactly in 'the town', the edge of the city for sure, near the frontier between the city and other region.
wait... suburbs is the towns that were located 'around' the city's frontier, right?
oh, forgive me if i'm too confusing, i am 14.
i did not delete it, because i am planning to come back, as soon as i got new interesting stories to tell; and of course, a good/advanced english and new vocabularies.
i am in my last year of junior high and can be called "the senior of junior". me and my friends were burdened/haunted by the upcoming national exam, as always as the senior of a ladder. i am desperately looking for a good high school near my district, but it was 'just hard' for no reason. my friends were mostly live in the suburbs, do they have more options than i do. my house was... not exactly in 'the town', the edge of the city for sure, near the frontier between the city and other region.
wait... suburbs is the towns that were located 'around' the city's frontier, right?
oh, forgive me if i'm too confusing, i am 14.
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